I was an in-the-closet NERD (a list of things that scare me)

I was not intentionally hiding my nerd. Nobody was nerdy. Or so it seemed because I did not seek my interests. Now that I have a more formed idea of my passions, I can reach my full nerd potential
I will tag things so people who maybe aren't nerds, or are still in the closet might understand.

When the DM randomly says “roll an initiative” - Dungeons and Dragons

signing rent checks (or checks in general, its like sighing away the soul of my fanatical situation) – Life Crap

Cantrips , counter spells, mana ramp, burn spells, life gain, overrun, planswalkers. - Magic the Gathering

the term 'gender fluid' like, im pretty sure everything is fluid, we are human, nothing is certain. The fact that we can even try to understand that is miraculous. - mind=blown

too many books, too little time – WHY am I only one person?!?!

the in-the-closet term. I dont know how I feel about it. Like, I hide my pancreas, and thats not in the closet. -words are faulty

I dont know how to play chess. I want to learn, but im afraid because I perceive myself as stupid. - self fulfilling prophecy

love. - what the heck is it?

My unstable medical issues, and the bills that come with it. - just.. ehh

communication. It cannot be stable, or even depended upon. Yet it is so beautiful. - literature

when Cecil fades out and Dana is panicking. - Welcome to NightVale podcast

I cant finish pain medication makes me think all weird – my back hurts

10 non crap Actual life Pro Tips

1.put soap and water in the blender for a less hassle clean out.
2.Find your right caffeine dose, do this so you don't fall asleep in the day but also don't lose sleep at night. You can find your right dose by experimenting with coffee, tea, and energy drinks (yes, I just oxford commaed).
3.Have writers block? do an activity that makes you rigid. (or RageQuit, whatever term you prefer) this can be portal, paddle ball, flappy bird, jenga, corn hole, etc. this helps scare me out of being brain dead.
4.If your at a youth retreat, conference, camp, vacation, etc. SLEEP AT NIGHT. Yeah, im sure whatever's going on at night fun and all, but the daytime activity's are better I promise and your going to want to be awake for them.
5.Take vitamins. Just do it.
6.Don't feel well? See a doctor. Don't let it get worse.
7.EXERSIZE! This helps with sleep, creativity, health, apatite, motivation, and sex drive. (theres that oxford comma again)
8.be pro oxford comma. Or at least be opinionated, it impresses writers and English teachers.
9.PROCRASTINATE!!! im serious, its helpful. If you want to do poorly in your classes. Well, it actually helps me. But, thats because im a writer and have no due dates.
10.COME UP WITH YOUR OWN PRO TIPS!!! it helps you feel productive and see what your doing right in your life.

the Music Videos in my life

A lot of times when I get really sad (which im not going to lie, it happens a lot).
Some times when people get sad they relate it so sad movies, or music videos. You know when your in the car and its raining, and a powerful song comes on the radio and you look out the window and feel like you're in that movie?
I think I know why that's comforting for us sad people.
People watch movies and music videos. Hundreds and millions of people see and feel during them.
Its gives the illusion that we are not alone.
It makes it seem like other people are experiencing and understand our thoughts feelings and desires.
it dissociates the feeling of being minute in your feelings. It changes the situation to make it seem as if your not isolated.

OBJECT or CREATION

In a life of thought, is the time for doing
when im thinking to focus or focusing on thinking,
can i be in the moment to see what is real?
will words on a page show how i feel?
when i look at the clock and no time has passed,
and thoughts are so fleeting a few seconds are vast,
i cant put a value on ideas and time.
without meaning in writing or reason for being,
the thought of a deadline dictates the outcome,
destroys the income with no reason or purpose.


don't let time control your being
time is just an invention of the mind

Selfies from the mind

HOLY CRAP selfies used to make me mad when I was in high school. From the people who change there facebook profile picture daily, to the girls posting pictures aiming the camera intentionally down there shirt, all the way to people wearing sweaters with scripture as the description. It used to make me mad because I thought it was people fishing for complements and recognition. I AM NOW A POSTER OF SELFIES. I think there is something to be said for taking a picture of yourself, and finding justification for posting it on the internet. Heck, I have an entire facebook album called 'selfies for a purpose' I think posting pictures of yourself adds validation to whatever you say with you photo. Now thats not to say that you should post a picture of your middle finger when talking about how you are prolife and dont understand the point of abortion. I often accompany my selfies with meaningful song lyrics. Those I mostly post on tumblr. I post pictures on the internet because there is something there I like about myself. Nobody goes out of there way to take a horrible picture of them selves to post it on the internet and wait for hate. It makes us feel good to be like “yeah, I look good there, and I had some good things to say. That was a worth while post.” to be honest, I think selfies are better then memes any day. So I say, if you wanna take selfies, more power to you. But, lets keep it as G rated as possible.... at least on facebook

ITS NEW YEARS; let me tell you a thing or two about self fulfilling prophecies

now, I would love to call myself an activist. Id love to say I make commitments and stick to them. But the truth is, id just be lying to you. I started out my new years eve hanging out with Kelcey, Brock, and his friend Alex. We were just chilling, eating junk food listening to music. We were all going to crash at kelceys place. Now I had been feeling a off for a few days, I had talked with brock about it the day before, so he knew some of it. I handle my depression a lot like I deal with my asthma. I don't until the last minute. They both come on at the worst time, during and triggered by doing things I enjoy. I have trouble breathing a lot in the winter, but I like to go for walks. I know being with people for prolonged amounts of time causes me anxiety, ultimately leading to depression. So I began to feel out of sorts. I dont tell most people when im feeling upset because I have to be really close with the person for me to be that open, and chances are if we are that close I dont need to tell you. You can usually tell. So kelcey was asking me what was wrong, I told her I was tierd and that I was going home. (which obviously both kelcey and brock probably knew I was lying) but I walked home and here I am, alone on new years. AGAIN. Why I do this to myself? I came back and im sitting alone, in my dimly lit apartment listening to imagine dragons. Like, HAPPY NEW YEARS LET ME SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT. Last year I didn't even stay up until midnight, and this year I might as well not have. There is a certain attraction my mind has to sadness. There is a level of comfort my my brain finds is being depressed. And I just keep fulling it. I think the post will be a TO BE CONTINUED entry, I need to change some things.

the pish-posh about love

Contradictory mental engagement rant #1 (note: non of this is intensely accurate, i'm just ranting) I hate loving people. That's actually not true, I love having the ability to love people, and I love loving people. But I hate the fact that loving people actually ends in disaster most times. I'm not even talking specifically about heartbreak. Im talking more about how I don't have the mental capability to keep loving people just to see them destroy themselves, me, or a combination of the two. Like I get that people have issues and things need to be addressed. But its like when somebody texts you and you get exited about having somebody to talk to, then shortly after they say they have to go negating the conversation. You then realizes either A) your conversation was less important then something else. Or B) that it doesn't matter because textual communication is the opposite of intimate anyway. For me its usually both. I think I lose the ability to actually love anyone after this happens (losing a person, not a broken texting conversation) I hate to say I lose the ability to love myself, but I do. I put to much into love, then lose it when it ends. I think this is because I don't love general things and existence, but I pinpoint the things I will love and the rest falls through the cracks, Leaving me feeling meaningless and alone. So how can we keep ourselves from falling through the metaphorical cracks of life? Well, there are two solutions: love everything, or love nothing, and id recommend the former. Not speaking from experience though.