purpose

over the last few months i've been defeating myself over searching for purpose and coming up with nothing.
but, today i think having a purpose would make my life too task specific, and lacking in pointlessly enjoyable tasks.
today im okay listening to podcasts, taking walks, and writing rants like this.

my opinion might change tomorrow, but ill eccept it for now.

“HOLY CRAP SHE PASEED OUT” (its just a MicroSleep)

As it turns out a lot of people who have more serious or debilitating chronic illness experience what is called “MicroSleep”, not to be confused with the “PowerNap” often used by college students who pull all nighters to study. MicroSleeping is the body's way of responding to severe Chronic pain, or exhaustion from fighting infection or being deficient in something. MicroSleep is when the body loses its cognitive, sensory, and physical ability's. The two types of MicroSleep that i experience most are:
Acute MicroSleep: (more of a loss of physical ability) which for me looks like:
a spontaneous faint (or it sometimes looks like a seizure) I will fall and either lie limp or my joints and muscles will lock up and I look like a statue. (occasionally I will have muscle spasms when this happens it can look like a Seizures) lucky for other people, I usually wake up after 30 seconds or a minute, but this can happen multiple times of the course of a few hours.
What to do when/ if you see this happen: don't freak out, but don't leave either. I should be okay after a minute or two. I will be very soar and tired though, best not to ask too many questions and I should rest for a while. If it lasts more then 3 minutes where I don't respond to anything, then it might be a bigger issue.
Chronic MicroSleep: (both physical and mental) this looks like somebody who has not eaten or slept in weeks, and feels like I ran a marathon with weights in my backpack and can last a few hours to a few days. I usually cant do much on my own (I cant shop, fill prescriptions or get anywhere on my own and SHOULD NOT HAVE ANYTHING I SAY OR DO HELD AGAINST ME) and sometimes I cant even walk on my own, which sucks because I live alone.
What to do when this happens: its a good call to check in every now and then, come watch netflix with me or skype with me while I write. There is not a whole lot that can be done.
People always ask me what they can do to make me feel better and the truth is there really inset anything. It sucks a lot for me because I cant do the things I want to do and im usually in significant pain I lose the ability to speak in structured sentences, spell, cook, and recognize when im in pain. ( I sometimes wont notice when im burning my hand etc.)

sorry I cant give specific scientific information, but this is a symptom/ disorder thats next to impossible to diagnose and treat. Please be patient with me.

Stepping on a d4 (is this the meaning of life?)

so, I DM and DMing comes with a substantial amount of work and planing. From making maps and fully generated NPC's to finding myself still awake at 4am figuring out how to navigate the Ring of Three Wishes while on the chaos plane. Dungeons and Dragons gives me something to focus on and put creativity and effort towards. Its also a great game for group/ CoDMing collaboration and teamwork. But every now and then I get really frustrated when my players Nat20 slight of hand to steal team mates gold, kill my elaborately planned out NPC, or when I step on a d4 walking through my living room at 3am.
I feel stuck. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE D&D and DMing. But feel that there has to be more I can do with it. Or, maybe not. I feel like im not moving forward in my goals as an aspiring professional nerd. Ive talked about Vlogging or PodCasting campaigns. Or running through an online interface, but I still feel like all I do is D&D. And its not a matter of losing interest, its more I feel like im wasting my creative energy, I dont know. I mean, you can only level so high, and prestige so far before your just skills monkeying as a cleric...
people who have been DMing for more then twice the amount of time i've known the game existed ask me to help/ navigate THEIR campaigns. I feel like for better or for worse this has become something I am really good at (despite its “uselessness” in the eyes of most people) WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS ABSURD SKILL? Is the question ive been beating myself up over.
I found an answer: weather or not I get frustrated spending weeks on a campaign ideas that may not end up working out or having deep bruises on my feet from stepping on those damn loos d4's. I ENJOY IT. And that's enough validation for me, thanks!

A note of importence (Dear Kelcey)

yeah, ive been acting like kind of an ass-butt, (it was nice to see you today but I held in a lot) and im not going to list excuses, im just going to try to explain.
I think we are really good together as friends. I honestly think we are in non-romantic NerdfighterLike. We are like Master of the WildHunt and overrun, we go together. But all comparisons aside, I've been off my game lately. I've been trying to find substantial chronic pain treatment that doesn't effect my other medical issues. And we both know how hard it is to function properly while in un managed pain. Like you said, most of our group (the octipi) have had a crash-and-burn month. {Austins work, Brocks anxiety, your family and muscular issues, and my medical bullshit} but I have not been giving you the benefit of the doubt, and I am truly sorry for that. I think we are okay right now, with not too many hard feelings between us, but I wanted to remind you of how much you mean to me. You CONSTENTLY remind me that I am important and loved and that does so much for me, you have no idea.
We always talk about literature and how beautiful the different mediums of communication are. But we have been lacking in that area this month. We've both been avoiding and suppressing. Then, I think we both get frustrated when we don't see each others pain.
I'D LIKE TO POSE AN IDEA: lets write letters back and forth (we can get pretty stamps and stuff.) Emails suck lets snail mail!!!
ill be on campus to build Magic decks tomorrow, let me know if you need me to run errands for you or something.
Also
THIS BLOG POST IS GOOD FOR ONE TRIP TO THE BOOK STORE: where in I will buy you ONE coffee and ONE book of your choice. Well find a time.
I love you will all my heart and all my NerdRage. (kinda like the Portal Rage you saw today)
Loves forever!!!!

Pulling the Chronic Illness card

If I wanted special treatment, I could make a really good case for it.
[my chronic pain, lung, and immune system issues make it hard for me to do things]
but I think there is a time and place for using your extra get-out-of-work free days due to chronic illness.
The other day I was supposed to go shopping and then to Mass with my dad but I had to call him to cancel because my joint pain made it hard to even get across the hall to my bathroom. I rested, called my doctor, and took some medication and felt better by 7pm. At that point I felt well enough to do things, and went to play video games at my friends dorm.
This is not a boy-who-cried-wolf situation, like the kid going to a sports event with 'the flue'. I HAVE joint issues and I did the things im supposed to do when I run into these problems. I think that justifies canceling on my father but still playing games with a friend. Whats the difference? The word “Chronic”.
Somebody experiencing more acute joint pain might take a whole week off of work for what I experience on a daily basis, and that's because its WORSE and ABNORMAL to them compared there typical illness. But on the other hand, I have a tendency to push through things I maybe shouldn't because if I took a day off for every new discomfort, I would never get anything done. And I cant tell you how many times ive missed events that I WANTED to go to.
The statement “but you don't look sick” is honestly the string of words that pisses me off the most in my life right now. There are days that I am in so much back pain that I can't hold down food and people tell me “you probably just ate something weird.” it might upset me more then it should but it is frustrating that most people will never understand chronic pain/ chronic illness unless they have experienced its unpredictability.
So what am I saying here? Cut me and other chronicly ill people some slack, we know our bodies and our illnesses better then you do. Dont worry.
Also, dont use your mild asthma as an excuse to sit out in gym when I did it with undiagnosed/ treated chronic upper respiratory distress and severe asthma.