ITS NEW YEARS; let me tell you a thing or two about self fulfilling prophecies

now, I would love to call myself an activist. Id love to say I make commitments and stick to them. But the truth is, id just be lying to you. I started out my new years eve hanging out with Kelcey, Brock, and his friend Alex. We were just chilling, eating junk food listening to music. We were all going to crash at kelceys place. Now I had been feeling a off for a few days, I had talked with brock about it the day before, so he knew some of it. I handle my depression a lot like I deal with my asthma. I don't until the last minute. They both come on at the worst time, during and triggered by doing things I enjoy. I have trouble breathing a lot in the winter, but I like to go for walks. I know being with people for prolonged amounts of time causes me anxiety, ultimately leading to depression. So I began to feel out of sorts. I dont tell most people when im feeling upset because I have to be really close with the person for me to be that open, and chances are if we are that close I dont need to tell you. You can usually tell. So kelcey was asking me what was wrong, I told her I was tierd and that I was going home. (which obviously both kelcey and brock probably knew I was lying) but I walked home and here I am, alone on new years. AGAIN. Why I do this to myself? I came back and im sitting alone, in my dimly lit apartment listening to imagine dragons. Like, HAPPY NEW YEARS LET ME SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT. Last year I didn't even stay up until midnight, and this year I might as well not have. There is a certain attraction my mind has to sadness. There is a level of comfort my my brain finds is being depressed. And I just keep fulling it. I think the post will be a TO BE CONTINUED entry, I need to change some things.

the pish-posh about love

Contradictory mental engagement rant #1 (note: non of this is intensely accurate, i'm just ranting) I hate loving people. That's actually not true, I love having the ability to love people, and I love loving people. But I hate the fact that loving people actually ends in disaster most times. I'm not even talking specifically about heartbreak. Im talking more about how I don't have the mental capability to keep loving people just to see them destroy themselves, me, or a combination of the two. Like I get that people have issues and things need to be addressed. But its like when somebody texts you and you get exited about having somebody to talk to, then shortly after they say they have to go negating the conversation. You then realizes either A) your conversation was less important then something else. Or B) that it doesn't matter because textual communication is the opposite of intimate anyway. For me its usually both. I think I lose the ability to actually love anyone after this happens (losing a person, not a broken texting conversation) I hate to say I lose the ability to love myself, but I do. I put to much into love, then lose it when it ends. I think this is because I don't love general things and existence, but I pinpoint the things I will love and the rest falls through the cracks, Leaving me feeling meaningless and alone. So how can we keep ourselves from falling through the metaphorical cracks of life? Well, there are two solutions: love everything, or love nothing, and id recommend the former. Not speaking from experience though.

The evolution of Drunk people

being a college aged kid, I sometimes find myself at parties. Parties are fun, music dancing, games and drunk people. On Friday night I was at this type of party and I got to sit and watch people submit themselves to alcohol while obviously trying to seem as sober as possible. Upon arrival at said party it was around midnight and most people had not started drinking yet. As more people came and brought drinks, more people started drinking. I find it really interesting how even though we are allowing ourselves to drink, we still cant figure out the right amount to not induce hydro pump vomiting. My reasoning for not drinking at these parties is that I am not about to willingly hand over my analytically conscious mind to alcohol. I want to be able to decide for myself when I want to sleep. Also I prefer not to deal with the whole hangover business. Do I demonize alcohol? no. do I demonize getting drunk? Not really. I think its fine if you wanna get flat-on-your-face drunk, that's up to you. I just think we should be more careful about where we do this, and also we need to know what we are drinking (that lemon aid had more vodka then we thought). Also make sure you have a friend and designated driver and stuff. But now, here is the evaluation of drunk people: 12:30am people come in, talk dance and wait in line to play supper smash bros on play station. 2:00am people start getting really friendly, and chatty. Also this is the time that you can start talking to people other then who you came with. 3:00am everyone looks like 2nd graders with too much sugar, (there's only 3 of us on the play station now) also I think there are 6 people in that bathroom. 3:30-4:30am half of the people are 'asleep' the other half are either puking or making out with people they have never met, whose names they will certainly not remember. Don't do drugs kids, alcohol counts.

a Special closeness

hugs are powerful, I will give you that. But just about anyone will give you a hug. Advice and support is great, having somebody tell you everything is going to be alright, and then giving you a hug is the thing most people do when your upset. I have been having a rough few weeks for no specific reason, my mid just catches up to me sometimes. Coming back from Thanksgiving break I had not had a good deep talk with my closest friend and soul mate in a while (exempt via Skype, but that hardly counts) I went to his apartment because he needed to talk about things, and we wanted to plan for D&D and our upcoming book club. We ended up talking about life and our own reasons for justifying depression. As much as its nice to hear that things will get better, its just not always true. But having somebody tell you that things suck, and there is no definite end to suffering but that they will be there for you through the whole thing because it is not without purpose because God put us here for a reason, is truly the most wonderful thing I could ask for in a friend. He then let me fall asleep in his arms and as cheesy as that may seem it was nice to wake up with him hugging me, still asleep himself. I think the most important thing in our friendship is honesty. He can tell when somethings wrong by looking me in the eyes, and can usually tell what by the way I talk and act. I don't want friends to tell me things will be okay because that is NEVER something that can be promised. I just want to know that there is reason. Thank you friend for speaking the truth with me, for allowing my mind to see that life is not about fixing all of the issues and stressing when we cant, but taking life one moment at a time and putting pain in its place as a motive, not a end all.

ONE people

one person. thats all i am. i cant make a difrence, im not worth that, the earths estemated population in 2013 is around 7,100,414,100 people. there are 7,100,414,100 humans. 7,100,414,100 personalitys, 7,100,414,100 brains, 7,100,414,100 people who came from familys with history, 7,100,414,100 lives with chalenges, 7,100,414,100 potential sucsess stories, 7,100,414,100 possible cancer curing scientists, it goes on. when you think about how small we are, what a small effect we could have on our earth, you must also think about the things that have already been accomplished by people, persons, a group of single people joind together to make somthing bigger, stronger then anything they could do on there own. (something i found on my hard drive that i wrote i dont know when, i dont know how long ago.)

censorship

What do I think about censorship..? I think its a misunderstood under utilized, convenient way of misconstruing Americas expressive rights. With that being said, I do think that some form of moderation is needed so that we don't end up with 6 year old's looking at porn at bed time, or an over 21 age limit on purchasing government indorsed news articles. In America books, movies, and games use a rating system to show what audience it was intended for and any rating higher then M (for games) PG13 (for movies) or mature (for books) require either an ID or parental guidance upon purchase. This would be a good system if it weren't for the fact that it sucks. When I was in middle school I had listened to all of the realistic fiction audio books in our library's teen section and I was ready to move onto the YA/ adult fiction section, but they would not let 13 year old me check them out without a parent. This not only sucks, but its just not fair. I was an avid reader and was mentally capable of reading higher level books. Now, I don't think everyone should have to complete a knowledge and intuition test before receiving a library card, to determine what they are and aren't allowed to read. That sounds too much like Communism. But I do think we need to mediate a system for censoring. Most library's have a kids, teens, young adult, and adult section. That's a god thing, we did a good thing there but we need to figure out how we can monitor media. Books and games are WAY over censored, and that needs to change because we all know its out there on the internet for whoever wants it. Don't get me started on that...

ALIGNMENT

Alignment I would not call myself a pessimist or an optimist, I wouldn't even call myself a realist. I refuse to label things by the way they are viewed as a whole. Some things have more positive features, some have more negative. The issue with judging things this way is that while some situations have more positive parts their negative parts may be more promanent. In a situation with 6 bad parts and 1 good one, the good might still might still outweigh the bad. Its all about value when it comes to these types of truth. Meaning and value. It’s the true way to balance your views.

The Focus Factor

beep, beep, beep.... I am not terminally ill, I am in now way critical. But its still a concept for our consciousness. Appendicitis, internal infection or whatever they decide the issue is; I've been admitted. I entered the emergency room expecting to be discharged an hour or so later with some pain and anti nausea medication. But instead after 9 hours in the ER I was brought up to the inpatient floor. Its 4:06am and I'm on my 4th IV bag, tons of zofran, and about 4 high doses of morphine. I don't think I'm going to die, but non the less I still cant stop my mind from poking at the idea. And sitting here at 4am on my laptop with the lights off (so as not to disturb my roommate) I worry for my illness. Is it selfish for me to worry about my appendicitis when down the hall im sure somebody is dying of cancer? Maybe. But it is surely a wast of my mental capacity. If you ask me, our minds kind of work like a computer (I know this is a frequently used analogy) but for all intensive purposes well say my mind is a 32 gigabyte iPhone. Since I have a lot of space for applications, pictures, and software; you might think there is no reason to worry about leaving FaceBook running in the background, and you are probably right. But once you've got it in your mind that you have unlimited space, we forget that its impossible for anything to be truly endless, except space {NO EDGE}. So eventually if you dont force quit your applications every ow and again, you might have a hardware crash. in my mind, the issue we run into is less about hyper focusing on one thing, and more about under focusing on too many things. So the fact that I am missing my D&D campaign while im in the hospital, im sure my Dad is concerned about my medical condition, and my mind is toying with its own morality is way more stressful then if I was just focused on this moment, and its concerns. So whats the message here? Live in the moment. Its over preached, but under utilized.

can life be thoughtless?

Can life be thoughtless? Alarm goes off, get up, get dressed, turn on coffee maker, take some tums. We spend so much of our lives just going through the motions of living, of being here in the moment where we exist. Brush teeth, pack a sandwich, grab coffee, get in the car. Drive for a while. I don't necessarily think we move to fast, or do too much, per say, I think we just don't live in the things we do. Arrive at work, get out, meet with a costumer, take an Advil, eat the packed lunch, refill coffee, empty paper shredder. We focus on completing mundane tasks that really don't further our personal existence. Talk to boss, refill coffee, unjam the stapler, water desk plant, use the rest room, the fact that we do these things is not bad, its the fact that we don't use them to further existence that ruins our morals and we don't realize that we have fallen into mindlessness until suddenly doubled over in pain, shaking uncontrollably, unable to stand or call for help we realize that we have lost our true meaning. In just a moments time there are ambulances, flashing lights, then things go dark. We as humans tend to go through our existence as if everything just is. This hurts out outlook, or morals, and our potential as conscious humans working to further existence. Often times we continue like this until something happens to shake up our understanding of what is real. In times of real trial we realize our fallibility. Being in a situation where we have no power over the outcome, and experiencing the fear that comes with not only the knowledge, but also the understanding of our morality can give us that insight as to what we have missed. Bright lights and tubes, family is gathered, your wife is holding your hand. What happened? You think. Leading from one question to the next, eventually leading to the real question: what happens if I die? This is a scary question in of itself, but realizing that you have asked yourself the question, makes all the difference. How should we continue life with the incite on how entirely fallible we are? It might make you think about what you do with the time you have, you may want to change that. Or, you might want to change your incite on those mundane tasks you do. They might be more important then you think, with your incite in the right place.

human sufforing

Today I am stuck with this idea of being crushed. The image of being physically crushed is scary, it makes you think of pain, being pinned against the ground., unable to move or breath. Suffocating. But being crushed is not allays a physical thing. I do believe that I am being crushed, not by a physical object, or blunt force. But instead by my own knowledge and understanding. Knowing what pain is, and having a vague idea of what suffering means is more weight than I can handle today. The saying “ignorance is bliss.” is more accurate then id ever like it to be. I wish I was unaware of what may cause pain, I wish I was unaware of other peoples struggles. Human suffering is a vast concept to grasp. With the knowledge of pain, and what it means to be in pain leaves us with a duty that none of us signed up for., and that duty is compassion. People who have experienced true human suffering know what its like to feel disparate For a way out. Most of us want to lead the person out of wherever they are in there pain. And sometimes its hard for us to handle. we know somebody who is in pain and want to fix it for them. But we can't because it is not our battle to fight. I do feel that I felt another persons pain. That, I believe is what compassion really is. And that in its self, is suffering. ~Allyson Sutphin