creative drain

I haven’t written anything in a long time. And I have no body to blame but myself. Its been over a month since I’ve written anything of substance and this is extremely out of character for me, even when im overly busy I wish there was something I could do to change those times when it is nearly impossible to write. But really what can I do when im the culprit? I’m not going to write a dramatic piece full of dark metaphors about how depression is a looming shadow that follows me everywhere. But it is, more or less.
The fact that this is the first thing I’ve written in more then a month is concerning and serves as a creative drain. but im not going to attempt to fix it tonight. I've already gone out of my way to make myself write something even if all that came out of it was this, an inconclusive piece explaining why im so absent If I ever resurface from this nullified spell, maybe ill have some incite as to why it keeps me from writing. But I doubt it, i've had this before and ill have it again.

i mean...

I almost never convay what i mean. maybe this because i don't know what i mean. im sorry i almost never post anymore, im a horrid example of a blogger. ill get on it soon

My mind Is tainted

   Sometimes I think there is a world outside of my mind, and other times I think my mind is the world

   My brain is just a lens that allows the world to be seen, and allows itself to be seen by the world.  

   But sometimes that's the problem because just like the world, it can be tainted by the way things work around it or within it. 

   That's all existence is, things co-existing and perceiving each other however it can. And if there are un recognized false perceptions it causes a ripple effect making misconceptions the only way things can be perceived.

   This makes it hard to re evaluate things, it makes it hard to reconsider    Truth

If there is a such thing

THIS IS FALLIBLE

Sometimes I cling to words, there my only hope for empathy

A deep thought just means it's hard to understand, and that only means it's a farther jump from words to meaning.

Meaning has no words that compute, like:

Language is to truth as sex is to love

Invalid, irrelevant, insincere. Fake

We can all cling to hope of an ultimate truth or infallible belief 

But all Gods will fail, all laws will crumble

Because all words are faulty, all words are lost

Weather it be a loop hole or double meaning, it can't fit the structure of our wordless minds.

I'd say we live and die alone, but even that is faulty. 

It is made of words 

If only you knew: {a memoir to those who don't}

Sometimes things don't make sense; like the lines between reality and mentality are blurred. When you see with your mind and not with your eyes, and being alive is contradictory. The past is a painful reality that is happening right now, and time can stop completely. The world feels empty as you run through crowds of people. The war in your mind is apparent by the battle field visible on your skin.
they dont know,
and neither do you, but your world is a different color.

a memior of mentality

There is a special pain in hating yourself.
I know it, or at least knew it, at least I think. Something had to lead me to be something i'm not. But it was so long ago I cant remember what, or how to get back
I dont hate me because of what I am, I hate me because I ma nothing. Grasping for something to blame for all this pain. Shouting into the void of lost mentality. I am so detached from what is real that looking both ways before crossing the street seems redundant.
In order to clear a path in my mind, I have to know whats in the way. But I cant face the memories presenting themselves as flashbacks and nightmares.
I cut lines in my skin, but there as meaningless as the lines in the writing books i've left empty for fear of seeing whats in my mind reflected in words on their pages. Things ive spent years burying under dissociated mentalities. Bubbling to the surface in panic attacks unbearable in severity.
When there is no past to cling to and there is no proof of a future things lose meaning.
What is meaning anyway,
im impossible to love and easy to forget.
So maybe if I forget myself and everyone else does too; one day il step into the road forgetting to look and lose all this pain and emptiness.
Because those who care dont know, and those who know dont care.
And somtims I feel it creeping in with an adicting lore and ill get lost in the sadness before losing myself again.
I never forget
but im always forgotten

To those who knew me....

To those who knew me when I was too young to talk and too fragile to walk, who's expectations were certainly not met by that very young girl.

To those who knew me, when I was playing in the woods, or hiding in my room, battered by anxiety. My mind wont have healed.

To those who knew me, when I was hating myself, hurting myself to try to get rid of the hate that plagued my mind. The scars wont fade.

To those who knew me, when hiding behind religion and therapy was the only way to feel centered, I neglected them.

To those who knew me, when having no place to be and no one to love meant I had no reason to live, i'm still invalidated.

To those who know me, torn and broken wishing for hope, I push to continue.

purpose

over the last few months i've been defeating myself over searching for purpose and coming up with nothing.
but, today i think having a purpose would make my life too task specific, and lacking in pointlessly enjoyable tasks.
today im okay listening to podcasts, taking walks, and writing rants like this.

my opinion might change tomorrow, but ill eccept it for now.

“HOLY CRAP SHE PASEED OUT” (its just a MicroSleep)

As it turns out a lot of people who have more serious or debilitating chronic illness experience what is called “MicroSleep”, not to be confused with the “PowerNap” often used by college students who pull all nighters to study. MicroSleeping is the body's way of responding to severe Chronic pain, or exhaustion from fighting infection or being deficient in something. MicroSleep is when the body loses its cognitive, sensory, and physical ability's. The two types of MicroSleep that i experience most are:
Acute MicroSleep: (more of a loss of physical ability) which for me looks like:
a spontaneous faint (or it sometimes looks like a seizure) I will fall and either lie limp or my joints and muscles will lock up and I look like a statue. (occasionally I will have muscle spasms when this happens it can look like a Seizures) lucky for other people, I usually wake up after 30 seconds or a minute, but this can happen multiple times of the course of a few hours.
What to do when/ if you see this happen: don't freak out, but don't leave either. I should be okay after a minute or two. I will be very soar and tired though, best not to ask too many questions and I should rest for a while. If it lasts more then 3 minutes where I don't respond to anything, then it might be a bigger issue.
Chronic MicroSleep: (both physical and mental) this looks like somebody who has not eaten or slept in weeks, and feels like I ran a marathon with weights in my backpack and can last a few hours to a few days. I usually cant do much on my own (I cant shop, fill prescriptions or get anywhere on my own and SHOULD NOT HAVE ANYTHING I SAY OR DO HELD AGAINST ME) and sometimes I cant even walk on my own, which sucks because I live alone.
What to do when this happens: its a good call to check in every now and then, come watch netflix with me or skype with me while I write. There is not a whole lot that can be done.
People always ask me what they can do to make me feel better and the truth is there really inset anything. It sucks a lot for me because I cant do the things I want to do and im usually in significant pain I lose the ability to speak in structured sentences, spell, cook, and recognize when im in pain. ( I sometimes wont notice when im burning my hand etc.)

sorry I cant give specific scientific information, but this is a symptom/ disorder thats next to impossible to diagnose and treat. Please be patient with me.

Stepping on a d4 (is this the meaning of life?)

so, I DM and DMing comes with a substantial amount of work and planing. From making maps and fully generated NPC's to finding myself still awake at 4am figuring out how to navigate the Ring of Three Wishes while on the chaos plane. Dungeons and Dragons gives me something to focus on and put creativity and effort towards. Its also a great game for group/ CoDMing collaboration and teamwork. But every now and then I get really frustrated when my players Nat20 slight of hand to steal team mates gold, kill my elaborately planned out NPC, or when I step on a d4 walking through my living room at 3am.
I feel stuck. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE D&D and DMing. But feel that there has to be more I can do with it. Or, maybe not. I feel like im not moving forward in my goals as an aspiring professional nerd. Ive talked about Vlogging or PodCasting campaigns. Or running through an online interface, but I still feel like all I do is D&D. And its not a matter of losing interest, its more I feel like im wasting my creative energy, I dont know. I mean, you can only level so high, and prestige so far before your just skills monkeying as a cleric...
people who have been DMing for more then twice the amount of time i've known the game existed ask me to help/ navigate THEIR campaigns. I feel like for better or for worse this has become something I am really good at (despite its “uselessness” in the eyes of most people) WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS ABSURD SKILL? Is the question ive been beating myself up over.
I found an answer: weather or not I get frustrated spending weeks on a campaign ideas that may not end up working out or having deep bruises on my feet from stepping on those damn loos d4's. I ENJOY IT. And that's enough validation for me, thanks!

A note of importence (Dear Kelcey)

yeah, ive been acting like kind of an ass-butt, (it was nice to see you today but I held in a lot) and im not going to list excuses, im just going to try to explain.
I think we are really good together as friends. I honestly think we are in non-romantic NerdfighterLike. We are like Master of the WildHunt and overrun, we go together. But all comparisons aside, I've been off my game lately. I've been trying to find substantial chronic pain treatment that doesn't effect my other medical issues. And we both know how hard it is to function properly while in un managed pain. Like you said, most of our group (the octipi) have had a crash-and-burn month. {Austins work, Brocks anxiety, your family and muscular issues, and my medical bullshit} but I have not been giving you the benefit of the doubt, and I am truly sorry for that. I think we are okay right now, with not too many hard feelings between us, but I wanted to remind you of how much you mean to me. You CONSTENTLY remind me that I am important and loved and that does so much for me, you have no idea.
We always talk about literature and how beautiful the different mediums of communication are. But we have been lacking in that area this month. We've both been avoiding and suppressing. Then, I think we both get frustrated when we don't see each others pain.
I'D LIKE TO POSE AN IDEA: lets write letters back and forth (we can get pretty stamps and stuff.) Emails suck lets snail mail!!!
ill be on campus to build Magic decks tomorrow, let me know if you need me to run errands for you or something.
Also
THIS BLOG POST IS GOOD FOR ONE TRIP TO THE BOOK STORE: where in I will buy you ONE coffee and ONE book of your choice. Well find a time.
I love you will all my heart and all my NerdRage. (kinda like the Portal Rage you saw today)
Loves forever!!!!

Pulling the Chronic Illness card

If I wanted special treatment, I could make a really good case for it.
[my chronic pain, lung, and immune system issues make it hard for me to do things]
but I think there is a time and place for using your extra get-out-of-work free days due to chronic illness.
The other day I was supposed to go shopping and then to Mass with my dad but I had to call him to cancel because my joint pain made it hard to even get across the hall to my bathroom. I rested, called my doctor, and took some medication and felt better by 7pm. At that point I felt well enough to do things, and went to play video games at my friends dorm.
This is not a boy-who-cried-wolf situation, like the kid going to a sports event with 'the flue'. I HAVE joint issues and I did the things im supposed to do when I run into these problems. I think that justifies canceling on my father but still playing games with a friend. Whats the difference? The word “Chronic”.
Somebody experiencing more acute joint pain might take a whole week off of work for what I experience on a daily basis, and that's because its WORSE and ABNORMAL to them compared there typical illness. But on the other hand, I have a tendency to push through things I maybe shouldn't because if I took a day off for every new discomfort, I would never get anything done. And I cant tell you how many times ive missed events that I WANTED to go to.
The statement “but you don't look sick” is honestly the string of words that pisses me off the most in my life right now. There are days that I am in so much back pain that I can't hold down food and people tell me “you probably just ate something weird.” it might upset me more then it should but it is frustrating that most people will never understand chronic pain/ chronic illness unless they have experienced its unpredictability.
So what am I saying here? Cut me and other chronicly ill people some slack, we know our bodies and our illnesses better then you do. Dont worry.
Also, dont use your mild asthma as an excuse to sit out in gym when I did it with undiagnosed/ treated chronic upper respiratory distress and severe asthma.

I was an in-the-closet NERD (a list of things that scare me)

I was not intentionally hiding my nerd. Nobody was nerdy. Or so it seemed because I did not seek my interests. Now that I have a more formed idea of my passions, I can reach my full nerd potential
I will tag things so people who maybe aren't nerds, or are still in the closet might understand.

When the DM randomly says “roll an initiative” - Dungeons and Dragons

signing rent checks (or checks in general, its like sighing away the soul of my fanatical situation) – Life Crap

Cantrips , counter spells, mana ramp, burn spells, life gain, overrun, planswalkers. - Magic the Gathering

the term 'gender fluid' like, im pretty sure everything is fluid, we are human, nothing is certain. The fact that we can even try to understand that is miraculous. - mind=blown

too many books, too little time – WHY am I only one person?!?!

the in-the-closet term. I dont know how I feel about it. Like, I hide my pancreas, and thats not in the closet. -words are faulty

I dont know how to play chess. I want to learn, but im afraid because I perceive myself as stupid. - self fulfilling prophecy

love. - what the heck is it?

My unstable medical issues, and the bills that come with it. - just.. ehh

communication. It cannot be stable, or even depended upon. Yet it is so beautiful. - literature

when Cecil fades out and Dana is panicking. - Welcome to NightVale podcast

I cant finish pain medication makes me think all weird – my back hurts

10 non crap Actual life Pro Tips

1.put soap and water in the blender for a less hassle clean out.
2.Find your right caffeine dose, do this so you don't fall asleep in the day but also don't lose sleep at night. You can find your right dose by experimenting with coffee, tea, and energy drinks (yes, I just oxford commaed).
3.Have writers block? do an activity that makes you rigid. (or RageQuit, whatever term you prefer) this can be portal, paddle ball, flappy bird, jenga, corn hole, etc. this helps scare me out of being brain dead.
4.If your at a youth retreat, conference, camp, vacation, etc. SLEEP AT NIGHT. Yeah, im sure whatever's going on at night fun and all, but the daytime activity's are better I promise and your going to want to be awake for them.
5.Take vitamins. Just do it.
6.Don't feel well? See a doctor. Don't let it get worse.
7.EXERSIZE! This helps with sleep, creativity, health, apatite, motivation, and sex drive. (theres that oxford comma again)
8.be pro oxford comma. Or at least be opinionated, it impresses writers and English teachers.
9.PROCRASTINATE!!! im serious, its helpful. If you want to do poorly in your classes. Well, it actually helps me. But, thats because im a writer and have no due dates.
10.COME UP WITH YOUR OWN PRO TIPS!!! it helps you feel productive and see what your doing right in your life.

the Music Videos in my life

A lot of times when I get really sad (which im not going to lie, it happens a lot).
Some times when people get sad they relate it so sad movies, or music videos. You know when your in the car and its raining, and a powerful song comes on the radio and you look out the window and feel like you're in that movie?
I think I know why that's comforting for us sad people.
People watch movies and music videos. Hundreds and millions of people see and feel during them.
Its gives the illusion that we are not alone.
It makes it seem like other people are experiencing and understand our thoughts feelings and desires.
it dissociates the feeling of being minute in your feelings. It changes the situation to make it seem as if your not isolated.

OBJECT or CREATION

In a life of thought, is the time for doing
when im thinking to focus or focusing on thinking,
can i be in the moment to see what is real?
will words on a page show how i feel?
when i look at the clock and no time has passed,
and thoughts are so fleeting a few seconds are vast,
i cant put a value on ideas and time.
without meaning in writing or reason for being,
the thought of a deadline dictates the outcome,
destroys the income with no reason or purpose.


don't let time control your being
time is just an invention of the mind

Selfies from the mind

HOLY CRAP selfies used to make me mad when I was in high school. From the people who change there facebook profile picture daily, to the girls posting pictures aiming the camera intentionally down there shirt, all the way to people wearing sweaters with scripture as the description. It used to make me mad because I thought it was people fishing for complements and recognition. I AM NOW A POSTER OF SELFIES. I think there is something to be said for taking a picture of yourself, and finding justification for posting it on the internet. Heck, I have an entire facebook album called 'selfies for a purpose' I think posting pictures of yourself adds validation to whatever you say with you photo. Now thats not to say that you should post a picture of your middle finger when talking about how you are prolife and dont understand the point of abortion. I often accompany my selfies with meaningful song lyrics. Those I mostly post on tumblr. I post pictures on the internet because there is something there I like about myself. Nobody goes out of there way to take a horrible picture of them selves to post it on the internet and wait for hate. It makes us feel good to be like “yeah, I look good there, and I had some good things to say. That was a worth while post.” to be honest, I think selfies are better then memes any day. So I say, if you wanna take selfies, more power to you. But, lets keep it as G rated as possible.... at least on facebook