ITS NEW YEARS; let me tell you a thing or two about self fulfilling prophecies

now, I would love to call myself an activist. Id love to say I make commitments and stick to them. But the truth is, id just be lying to you. I started out my new years eve hanging out with Kelcey, Brock, and his friend Alex. We were just chilling, eating junk food listening to music. We were all going to crash at kelceys place. Now I had been feeling a off for a few days, I had talked with brock about it the day before, so he knew some of it. I handle my depression a lot like I deal with my asthma. I don't until the last minute. They both come on at the worst time, during and triggered by doing things I enjoy. I have trouble breathing a lot in the winter, but I like to go for walks. I know being with people for prolonged amounts of time causes me anxiety, ultimately leading to depression. So I began to feel out of sorts. I dont tell most people when im feeling upset because I have to be really close with the person for me to be that open, and chances are if we are that close I dont need to tell you. You can usually tell. So kelcey was asking me what was wrong, I told her I was tierd and that I was going home. (which obviously both kelcey and brock probably knew I was lying) but I walked home and here I am, alone on new years. AGAIN. Why I do this to myself? I came back and im sitting alone, in my dimly lit apartment listening to imagine dragons. Like, HAPPY NEW YEARS LET ME SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT. Last year I didn't even stay up until midnight, and this year I might as well not have. There is a certain attraction my mind has to sadness. There is a level of comfort my my brain finds is being depressed. And I just keep fulling it. I think the post will be a TO BE CONTINUED entry, I need to change some things.

the pish-posh about love

Contradictory mental engagement rant #1 (note: non of this is intensely accurate, i'm just ranting) I hate loving people. That's actually not true, I love having the ability to love people, and I love loving people. But I hate the fact that loving people actually ends in disaster most times. I'm not even talking specifically about heartbreak. Im talking more about how I don't have the mental capability to keep loving people just to see them destroy themselves, me, or a combination of the two. Like I get that people have issues and things need to be addressed. But its like when somebody texts you and you get exited about having somebody to talk to, then shortly after they say they have to go negating the conversation. You then realizes either A) your conversation was less important then something else. Or B) that it doesn't matter because textual communication is the opposite of intimate anyway. For me its usually both. I think I lose the ability to actually love anyone after this happens (losing a person, not a broken texting conversation) I hate to say I lose the ability to love myself, but I do. I put to much into love, then lose it when it ends. I think this is because I don't love general things and existence, but I pinpoint the things I will love and the rest falls through the cracks, Leaving me feeling meaningless and alone. So how can we keep ourselves from falling through the metaphorical cracks of life? Well, there are two solutions: love everything, or love nothing, and id recommend the former. Not speaking from experience though.

The evolution of Drunk people

being a college aged kid, I sometimes find myself at parties. Parties are fun, music dancing, games and drunk people. On Friday night I was at this type of party and I got to sit and watch people submit themselves to alcohol while obviously trying to seem as sober as possible. Upon arrival at said party it was around midnight and most people had not started drinking yet. As more people came and brought drinks, more people started drinking. I find it really interesting how even though we are allowing ourselves to drink, we still cant figure out the right amount to not induce hydro pump vomiting. My reasoning for not drinking at these parties is that I am not about to willingly hand over my analytically conscious mind to alcohol. I want to be able to decide for myself when I want to sleep. Also I prefer not to deal with the whole hangover business. Do I demonize alcohol? no. do I demonize getting drunk? Not really. I think its fine if you wanna get flat-on-your-face drunk, that's up to you. I just think we should be more careful about where we do this, and also we need to know what we are drinking (that lemon aid had more vodka then we thought). Also make sure you have a friend and designated driver and stuff. But now, here is the evaluation of drunk people: 12:30am people come in, talk dance and wait in line to play supper smash bros on play station. 2:00am people start getting really friendly, and chatty. Also this is the time that you can start talking to people other then who you came with. 3:00am everyone looks like 2nd graders with too much sugar, (there's only 3 of us on the play station now) also I think there are 6 people in that bathroom. 3:30-4:30am half of the people are 'asleep' the other half are either puking or making out with people they have never met, whose names they will certainly not remember. Don't do drugs kids, alcohol counts.

a Special closeness

hugs are powerful, I will give you that. But just about anyone will give you a hug. Advice and support is great, having somebody tell you everything is going to be alright, and then giving you a hug is the thing most people do when your upset. I have been having a rough few weeks for no specific reason, my mid just catches up to me sometimes. Coming back from Thanksgiving break I had not had a good deep talk with my closest friend and soul mate in a while (exempt via Skype, but that hardly counts) I went to his apartment because he needed to talk about things, and we wanted to plan for D&D and our upcoming book club. We ended up talking about life and our own reasons for justifying depression. As much as its nice to hear that things will get better, its just not always true. But having somebody tell you that things suck, and there is no definite end to suffering but that they will be there for you through the whole thing because it is not without purpose because God put us here for a reason, is truly the most wonderful thing I could ask for in a friend. He then let me fall asleep in his arms and as cheesy as that may seem it was nice to wake up with him hugging me, still asleep himself. I think the most important thing in our friendship is honesty. He can tell when somethings wrong by looking me in the eyes, and can usually tell what by the way I talk and act. I don't want friends to tell me things will be okay because that is NEVER something that can be promised. I just want to know that there is reason. Thank you friend for speaking the truth with me, for allowing my mind to see that life is not about fixing all of the issues and stressing when we cant, but taking life one moment at a time and putting pain in its place as a motive, not a end all.