ITS NEW YEARS; let me tell you a thing or two about self fulfilling prophecies

now, I would love to call myself an activist. Id love to say I make commitments and stick to them. But the truth is, id just be lying to you. I started out my new years eve hanging out with Kelcey, Brock, and his friend Alex. We were just chilling, eating junk food listening to music. We were all going to crash at kelceys place. Now I had been feeling a off for a few days, I had talked with brock about it the day before, so he knew some of it. I handle my depression a lot like I deal with my asthma. I don't until the last minute. They both come on at the worst time, during and triggered by doing things I enjoy. I have trouble breathing a lot in the winter, but I like to go for walks. I know being with people for prolonged amounts of time causes me anxiety, ultimately leading to depression. So I began to feel out of sorts. I dont tell most people when im feeling upset because I have to be really close with the person for me to be that open, and chances are if we are that close I dont need to tell you. You can usually tell. So kelcey was asking me what was wrong, I told her I was tierd and that I was going home. (which obviously both kelcey and brock probably knew I was lying) but I walked home and here I am, alone on new years. AGAIN. Why I do this to myself? I came back and im sitting alone, in my dimly lit apartment listening to imagine dragons. Like, HAPPY NEW YEARS LET ME SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT. Last year I didn't even stay up until midnight, and this year I might as well not have. There is a certain attraction my mind has to sadness. There is a level of comfort my my brain finds is being depressed. And I just keep fulling it. I think the post will be a TO BE CONTINUED entry, I need to change some things.